Dear My Best Friend, are You Feeling Guilty?

Dear My Best Friend,

There are so many words I’ve wanted to tell you — words I’ve kept in my drafts, unread and unsent.
I kept them because I didn’t want to read another letter from you that felt empty, without heart inside.
I didn’t want to see meaningless replies when I had written with so much hope — hoping for the kind of answer that once made me smile, like before.

Sometimes, this heart just needs help — someone to listen, someone to share the weight of her thoughts, or simply someone to be there.
You used to be that person — the one who brightened my days. But it’s okay… I’ve learned from it now.

There are still many things I want to say.
This letter is my response to your last one — the one I never replied to because I couldn’t understand your reason for sending it.
We are not puppets; we are human beings — blessed by the Creator with both a mind to think and a heart to feel.

I know you are smart. I’m sure you can read — not just books, but also the signs that life and nature send your way.
Yes, it’s not easy to understand everything, but the Creator guides us through both our mind and heart.
Everything happens for a reason — that’s what people call cause and effect.

My friend, do you feel guilty now because you think you’ve hurt me?
You don’t need to. Please don’t feel guilty or worried about me.
I’m not your responsibility. I’m just someone who once chose you to be on my precious side — as my best friend.

It’s okay. You and I each have our own destinies, and we won’t understand them until we’ve lived through them.
So don’t worry — everything is fine.
You can say whatever you want, and I can too. But I promised not to bother you, so I’ll stay silent and just watch from afar.

My friend… if you ever realize that this site belongs to me, then I’m sorry for entering and disturbing your world.
I’ll try not to cause any more problems for you. I’m just an unnecessary girl, so you don’t have to apologize or feel uneasy.
Just stay calm, stay cool, and smile.

It’s okay — I won’t bother you anymore.
Each time I sent you an email, I only hoped that a few short words might bring a little light or a small smile.
But you said it was all unnecessary… so I’ll keep those memories — the ones about our friendship — safely in my heart.

Thank you for everything.

With regard,

Read more »

Maybe I need an almanac

Ancient people and some modern people also believing in almanac. Long time ago I read a book Memoar of Geisha, I remember about the geisha story that she never forget to read almanac before taking the activity. Ya... in Japanese and Chinese there are almanac that still using till now. And in Java. Indonesia there is almanac that called primbon. 

Primbon notes like dream meaning, creased meaning etc. 3 days ago I felt my right eye brow feeling creased so strong, it was happened almost for 2 days. According to primbon the meaning that I will meet my love. But since I awoke in the morning of 2 days ago I felt that something bad will happened. Ya... it was. Since I will left my home I felt that. Then I went to bank to register key for internet banking, nothing serious was happened just I felt a little bit nervous and felt that was odd too. 

After finish registering my key internet banking then I withdraw some money to send to my cousin. The teller said that I need to pay some money because it is different bank and in different sub. So I prefer to send to same bank so my cousin need to find a friend who has bank account same with me. Saved my money which I did withdraw again. Waiting for a while the bank account that my cousin will send, bored of waiting then back to home. My cousin sent the bank account after I almost reach my home. Ok... I planned to try my new internet banking key. I remember that I changed my pin in ATM when I save back my money with ATM machine, stupidly I input my ATM pin into my i-banking pin. I did 3 times because I was so sure that my pin was right. Damn... It is blocked automatically. I need to call service and it was spent all my mobile credit. After the admin reset my i-banking account then he asked me to register my i-banking in the closest ATM machine. Ok.... back to the bank.

Ok... I bought medicine too after everything was done then go home. My father told me that he will go to the hospital to see my niece who got accident and her leg broken. Well... I got flu in hospital, it was odd because I am feeling so well before went to the hospital. Then in the night before ready to sleep, I want to drank my medicine. I am searching in my bag, oh... God where is it? My mind trying to find where the hell the medicine. Oh.. No... I did pay the medicine but I didn't bring it home. Oh... no.... And what happened after that? My creased is stopped. So my creased was it signed? I checked Javanese calender the day was Wednesday Kliwon, is bad luck day realy exist? I don't know... sometime I thought that I need to have an almanac like geisha. Don't know should I believing in something like that? Almanac is notes of something that regularly happen. Believe or not sometime the prediction is correct but sometime it is not. But I will take note since now that if I feel creased again I will try to be cautious.

 

Read more »

It's too late, don't ever say a joke which become your big mistake that you will regret forever

So long not updating this blog when I choose to stay in silence. There is something that I want to write in here in this blog. Don't judge anything in here because it is my personal blog, I can write whatever I want and I think it is not harmful anyone.

Its still about my x who just asked me to be his love again but I said to him that it's late. Ya.. It is late to ask me to comeback to him after the pains and hurts, it is too late when I already feel that everything is fine without him. Ya it is too late when I did asked many times that it was joke but he pretend say nothing.

If you were me, your bf said that he will marry next month and after that everything is like upside down, falling and gloomy, don't want to talk to anyone and regret every sacrifices, it was pain because he didn't say anything about that girl except she is better in everything on me. Do you will accept him again if all that he said it was joke after 7 months missing contact? I rejected it, because it is too late. I don't see there is a beautiful about him anymore maybe it was too hurt because he did that when I was busy preparing my final project in the last chance of the reporting and beside that I was busy preparing my sister wedding too. I was asked 1 month to break to prepare all of that but he was refused that so I was still trying to divide my attention to him. Well... my relationship with him was long distance relationship and when we were talking can talk some hours. Then when I was in high busy day he told me that he would marry next month, can't say anything about that just like everything gone and wrong. Hoping and trying to asked that only was joke but he never say that it was joke till few days ago. After he begging me to comeback like before then I asked if he is married and the answer is no. Wow... only can smile and maybe laugh. Want to poke his head and say "Big mistake!

Whatever...Let you blow with the wind and forgetting all memories made by you. If someday he found this blog so maybe he will understand about how pain and hurt it was.

Read more »

Why you are single?

These days people around me start to asks me why I'm still single while a girl in my age already has kid? Ehm... hard to answer. Usually I just answer that I didn't find my destiny my Mr.Right. Actually I already want to have someone to life together, to share, to care and enjoying life sad and happy together. I'm single not because I'm not trying my Mr. but I'm trying to find him too. Sometime I feel and have question to my self why people seem so easy to found their other half but me feels so hard. 

Many time fails and be broken heart, it was not something joyful, it was hurt too. I was trying many times, I though it was gonna work when I'm trying to date a divorced man because I think he had experience before but it seem he ignore me. And my best friend told me after too much hurt usually you will find your other half soon. But again broken heart and build trust make relationship and broken heart again and back build relationship. Who was wrong? I don't know, but I felt I can't trust them anymore when I felt they become ignore me when their mouth said that they are taking serious relationship with me. Who will believe that they become ignore me when I was like the flower just blossom, need more love and attention but they treat me nothing. I don't want to judge them now, I just a little bit share maybe you are have same feeling with me now.

I just read about the reason why I'm single but no one of them describe my situation now. The mention the reason to be single into 6 points. They are:

1. High standard

2. Negatif

3. Not listening

4. Environment when I live

5. Trap in past memmories

6. I don't want a relationship

Well... see no one of those point describe me. About high standard, ehm... I do have standard but I think it is normal. The best describe about why I'm single now because I don't want to have relationship with someone which I don't like and I didn't find my Mr.. So it is mean some men also asked me but I refuse because I feel I don't like their appearance, spirit, principal, etc. And the bored deal when I like someone almost too much but they don't like me as much as me. Ya... just be patient and keep trying to find him. I'm sure he is also trying and my friend told me don't lower my standard because I'm deserve better. 

Trust and rely everything in God, we are human we only can try and effort the decision and result let God decide and manage it.

Read more »

Silence

When I don't want to talk and share about my love stories then this blog become abandon. Maybe silence is better because since I posted about my love stories in here some anonymous posted hate comment. Acknowledgement I created this blog to reduce my burden when I was with my x. Because I was felt that my relationship with him won't work but he pushed me to try, confess and confess again. At first I was happy but after tried more my doubt and different in everything. Fought and fought then try to break for 1 month then a message was receipt that he will marry. Ahh.... so dumb!

It was past, it was hurt but let it flow and gone. Forgive him for every single mistake he did to me. (But sometime when I remember the bad side when was with him, I like to curse him too. hihihi) I am trying to forgive and forget him. I don't want to know more about him. I was not feel hurt too much when he left me just feel like wasted. Life goes on, I'm trying to move on. I hope I won't be noisy, share everything here. I will try to silence and not to talk about my life. Then am I will left this blog?

The answer is "no!" I still care this blog but maybe a little. I hope I will share important and useful advice about relationship, married and family because I'm sure I will need that too. But sometime I will spit all of my burden here again when I need it. Ya... I need this blog, I need to release my burden than I depress. I try to keep calm and silence by write it in here. For all who don't like with all my complicated stories then don't read it, it is better than left hater comment.

Someone who left you now then someday they finally will leave you too.

God took something for you may God will change it for better.

You think what you see is good but maybe someday you will realize and grateful that it is not yours anymore. 

Sometime silence is treasure.

Life is mystery and a gift.

Ok... have a nice day...

Read more »

After Knowing Infidelity Spouse: Forgive or Leave?

Many of us would agree with a value, whatever the reason cheating is not justified. Every time you hear the story of a friend who betrayed, you are definitely angry. Never mind, people you know, news of celebrity infidelity alone can make you sympathetic, angry, or hard to criticize an opinion.

Like the case of infidelity that recently made headlines intensively between Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. After Kristen Stewart apologizes arise Kasak new buzz, if Robert Pattison will forgive her? Is it possibly Robert giving forgiveness to Kristen after a public humiliation?

But in the meantime, what if you are in a similar situation? It might be easy to say "I leave it alone!" or "If I were you I would never forgive!", if the affair is not your spouse. If the he, what the world is not destroyed it?

But after it all happened, he's apologized. It seems really - really and you still love her very much. What's next? Before you take it again there are four things you should consider:

1. Does this happen at all?
You need to know for sure is the case because the affair was a blunder or a long term relationship. He's secretly been in a relationship for months with another woman. Actually, two things are not the reason for him to justify the deed, but if there are children involved (as in the case of director Rupert Sanders is having an affair with a Christian) it could not hurt to be considered. There are ups and downs of relationships, perhaps when there's a defense mechanism he is weak.

2. Whether he admits or you are caught?
If you find through friends or through his email, due to the pain of betrayal will be worse than if he confessed to you directly.

3. Is he going memeberi you the space to recover?
Hurt, angry, disappointed and all the negative feelings that arise from the consequences will not be easily lost perselingkungan by saying sorry. You need space to think and rethink about your relationship. What are you looking for in a relationship? Space is also important to him think about his motives for cheating and actually realized his mistake. You certainly do not want to take it back and then to speak of this matter ngungkit lifetime.

4. Do you really forgive?
This is the hardest part. Even if he had vowed never to repeat it again and you are back together, there will be times when your emotions explode. Worse yet you live in suspicion. It is not only bad for the relationship but also be biting confidence, because you always feel threatened. Convince yourself first, if you can believe again before reconciliation.

Courtesy Kompas.com

Read more »

Still hope my x will comeback

Sorry for everyone who maybe finding this post, I just want release my pain because I have bf who always like to say would leave me forever, I always let him to go when he said that, then when he left I feel hurt too. I don't thinking that he will leave as easy as that after he did hurt me but I always can accept if he really want to go because already too much fighting between us.

I did told about my bad past but he always mention those and made me feel angry and feel very bad when he in anger, I told those to him because I hope I can forget those and have a mind that those mistake was a not big mistake. And I don't like to feel these feeling which made me weak when he asked to comeback for our relationship.

I want to be strong and cold then I can leave him easy because he already hurt me too much. But always fail after he bag for forgiveness. Maybe I'm too much nice or weak or what? I feel torturing with this situation, but why I always feel like loser because I can't really kick this situation. Sometime I missed my x who diagnosed with brain tumor stage 3, I feel really lose him, I want to care him while he is sick but he choose to disappear and I can't find him now. Last time I heard that he moved to Fiji, it is so far from my place, I can't found him. When with him, I was happy. He is very patient, good looking, has good body(athletic type), tall, nice, independent, confident and has great smile, I was feel so save and very small too. I was feel very lucky when I met him. Maybe he is not the last one but I was feel so perfect and he was felt that too. We were too much happy but I feel really lose him now.

Sometimes I am crying and hope him will comeback. I felt, he is the one that I'm looking for, is enough to find other boy because he is complete me more than your expectation (it was like that). When we were talking feel like very lucky for found him. Yes it was like that, he told me that he was feel that too. I miss the time when I'm with him. It was no fight that made me too much hurt. It was like good moment in my life.

Actually I also thinking, if my x is not for me then let me forget him and have good life. But my bf now can't be like him, because he is not him. Too much fighting, too much hurting and too much crying, I never felt like this with other boys before. He did same mistakes again and again and hurt me more again and again. I want he really leave me when he decided to leave me because when together will fight always. If I compare my x with my bf, feel like my bf is nothing. My x more than my bf, I felt my x is the best one than boys which ever come to my life. I miss my x. I really hope he will comeback and healthy. Please let me to forget him if I don't have a chance to be with him again, if he is not for me. for my M : I miss you........... (T_T)

Read more »

I could not leave him!

Why I feel I don't know what is right, sometime want to leave him but sometime don't want to leave. Then the fact that I could not leave him.

He is not everything but he is special one who don't like to leave me, he want be with me. Maybe I'm blind or too much blamed him but when he left me really miss him so much.

I don't know the feeling only on me or he feels too, but when I missed him then usually he call me.

It is always right together too much fighting, leaving too much missing.

I don't know if he is my destiny or not destiny, but he is the one who hard to leave me.

Sometime he can replace my x and my best friend but sometime he only make me depress.

I want clean but it is hard with him.

Ehm....

Love really complicated.

And still I could not leave him.

When he asks to back always I accept and I don't know why can be like this too.

Read more »

Want to leave!

I didn't talk to my bf since two days a go and it is going three days now. I didn't say that we are already end or other word that same meaning with it, I only said bye but without my style that I used to say when I want to leave. It is seem I'm bad, right? But I did it because he is too much annoyed. I think I'm really angry on him because I already blocked him from my fb and notice him as annoying person.

I feel he becomes not respecting me, I feel he same likes other stupid boys, I feel he is not same like before when I was meet him in first time.

Yesterday he called me but only missed call without voice, it was about 4-5 times. I don't know why he called me without voice, is he already realize that he already hurt me? Or maybe he thinks that I will comeback that is why he is not like a foolish boy likes before, before when I ever left him. Yeah..he is take it easy and ignoring my anger.

I'm bored to be gf and always fighting, I don't feel loose him too. I think to be single is better for now than crying for someone that not respect me again. I'm tired to fight for useless things, better in silent for now. If he really love me then he will say forgiveness with pure heart and understand his mistake but otherwise he is stubborn and too much dominant so better leave each other.

Before I decided to leave, he told that better leave each other etc, I didn't know it was joke or for sure, but it made me confuse what actually he want. It seems he like to leave me and make me sad, because he like if I'm crying too. He is the one who really made me frustration, he is the one who made me cried a lot, he is the one who asked my time more, and he is the one who I gave forgiven a lots.

>
Yeah I want to leave but still hard, I want to stay silent without contact him, I want to know what his next reaction, if he won't call then I accept that my relationship with him is end.

I don't know maybe I was take pride to my self too much but I feel I already gave him a lot, it is not kind of stuff but like attention, respect, advice, help etc but he like to say that I didn't respect him, not patient, etc and he hasn't ever give me any stuff too. Hahaha.... I feel stupid because our relationship will be 5 months in 20th of this month, yeah...I'm stupid, I think it is fact. And the fact he don't like if I called my self stupid.



Ok...let see what the next story of this complicated love.

Read more »

Let me to forget him if he is not for me

I don't know why I still remember him, I miss him a lot now. I feel I can't love other boys as I was love him. I was too much happy when I met him, I felt it was perfect. It hard to forget him. If I'm betrayal my bf, I said to my bf that I still remember my x because we are separated not because we hate each other but he decided to leave because he thinks there is no chance to recover from that illness. My bf was angry when I told about that but finally he understands because he also have past and he can't forget her too. I don't know what my bf plan but I'm not sure that I will have a future with him like I was so sure with my x.

Feel lose plan when my x leave me and I'm afraid that I will get same pains like before. Me and my bf have decided to have a relationship without commitment, he said just do it and enjoy it. It is made me sad because what he said made me feel no destiny with him, why should care him? Honestly, I love my bf but I still thinking other boys my x and my best friend. Sometime I'm thinking that my bf if my bf is my x or my best friend. With my x I was so happy and with my best friend was so fun but with my bf feel lots of problem because we like to fight and blame each other.

I love my bf but sometime I'm thinking why I should care him and love him more if he only wants enjoy it now. I can't only enjoy it, I want have plan but he don't want to make any plan. I'm afraid that he only want to have a fun and play me only. I ever asked to him if he serious with him or only play me but it was made me very angry. I don't know what to do, if he only want to play and to have a fun then if I still can does same why not? But sometime he asks more and i feel not comfortable. I ever ask to end relationship with my bf but he angry and said I planned that. Confuse.....

When I was sad or just fight with my bf, many times I remembered my x and my best friend. I want can run to my best friend and share my burden to him like before but everything is change now. I don't want he become far from me not long as before I accept my bf propose. Now I'm sad and thinking if my x not for me should I can forget him easily but in fact it is hard to forget him. I don't know why he is very special for me, love him like something wonderful and beautiful but I can't reach too.

I miss my bf, my x and my best friend now. Really feel bad, actually I just need a boy but it seems I have to try to taste many love. They said first love is hard to forget but is easy to forget my first for me, I was like a crazy girl when I love him but I don't know the hardest to forget is my x (I called him Mumu).

Let me to forget him if he is not for me. Mumu... where are you, how are you, are you still alive? I miss you and still hope that you will comeback or at least you will recover.

Read more »

Now Everything is Changing

Today he said to me, now everything is changing, only will talk with me for 2 hours. I feel he becomes ignoring me now and I feel he doesn't have time for me also. Why I feel sad with that, what I am expect from him?

I don't know what he expects from me too. He likes to say that he will leave me but in fact he always comeback after leave me.

Maybe what I said is right, Together too much fighting, leaving too much missing. Maybe he were missing me when he live without me. I don't know is not easy not to care with him. I don't know when after he leaved me then come back to me again is hard to ignore him. Always I opened my hands for him. Always I feel he is not same with other but why sometime he is so annoying and like to make me angry?

Baby... I don't know why like this too. Maybe he thinks that I like if he leave and ignoring me, but I don't think that. I want when I need him then he will always there for me, and when he need me then I'm here for him, like before but for positive things. He was like that, but he was changed need me for something that I tried to control.

Everything is not same anymore, everything is changing. Yes... time is running so fast.

But I know I still love him.

This is really complicated.

Sometime I hate him, sometime I angry to him, sometime I like him, sometime I need him, sometime I love him too much, he was there always but now he not  always there like before .

But I know I still love him.

I don't know why I love him.

I feel missing something without him.

Take care for you, baby...

It's hard to understand you.

I want marry when I am with you.

But I back with my aim when I am without you.

Read more »

Together too much fighting, leaving too much missing, arghhhh...

I feel bad, a few days ago I was shouting to him and talk too much bad things. I was so hurt because his words, now that angers already gone. He become careless with me after I shouted too much too him, now I understand he was acted like a foolish because he were love me.

I feel so bad, maybe I did hurt him too much. We decided to be only friend, it's good for me. Be friend is better but sometime I miss to talking about love with him. Now I shared a normal subject.

I was blind, he is a good boy, he was only a little bit play with me, maybe want make me jealous but I was too much emotional then it was made me angry, too much angry.

But what a good thing on him is, he was never left me when I was in angry, he accompanies me till I'm calm down. But a bad thing on him is, he always made me jealous when I become calm down after angry. He also listen me when I'm cry and sad. A good one.

Do you know... Actually I also don't know what the reason why I have to miss him, maybe I miss the routine to love him, to share with him. Now everything is different, I don't know what will happen. But I feel he still love me, till now he never delete me or block me from everywhere. When I said hi to him, he also always answer.

It was a few days ago but see... I miss him. I don't know why I miss him.

But I also trust with my feeling, he was still not serious with me. He was still unsure to be more serious with me. I don't know... But now feel better without fight with him, I don't care if he tried to find a new girl because I believe everything are manage and done by Allah.

But with him really different, I never cried as much as I cried with him, I never angry to boys as much as I angry with him, I was happy too, I was able feel his feeling ( now I am not sure still able to do it), I don't know I'm not sad when he leaved me maybe because actually he hasn't leave me. I don't know what is true, but in my mind if he is my destiny then he will not go to leaved me and choose other girl. If he is my destiny then he will back if he is not then he will go.

Take it easy... everything is done and manage by Allah. Allah know what is the best for us.

Read more »

Why he always back and back again?

After leaved me why most of boys that ever come to my life want back again with me. I did give many chances to them but they leaved me and then after that they look for me again. But I was not give more chances after felt too much heart.

I thought that he is different from that other boys, but he is same with them too. I'm sad and sadder when after he leaved then come back again.

Really I like him but who want to swing and playing always.

After leaved then begging to come back but after come back talking about other girl and sometime compared me to them. I did try to be patient, I felt I did do like he want, but still he is not respect me.

I don't know what he want, he never leaved me when I am shouting to him and angry to him, he always wait till I'm be calm down but after I calmed down then he talked about other girl about his xgf.

How stupid am I? Still it's hard to leaved him, he ever told that how he can leave me? But today I had thinking that he will leave me. Because I was shouting a lot to him, but after calm then he asked me to help him with to make new relationship. It's really shit.

I can't

I don't know how to understanding him, really I'm too much frustration on him. Tired with it. He swings my heart then I will swing his heart too, if he doesn't like then he should not back to me again after flattering other girl.

I don't know what I typed today, too much hurt with his chatted today.

Read more »

Break or not?

It is Saturday night, it has been 3 days since our last chat, no actually yesterday I still say hi to him but it was dry, no sense.

I don't know what to do, continue or its enough in here. He said that he still waiting her, while he said that he had planned. I knew his plan was want to take serious with me because I was asked to end our relationship but he was trying to make me come back to him by saying that he had a plan with me. But 3 days ago, why he said that he was still waiting here?

So what the meaning of me on his side?

Feels like a toy to cheers him when he sad and feels alone till she will back to him. He like to call me player but now, who is player?

I tried to loyal with him, tried to understand him, tried to care him with this long distance relationship but he only thinking of his self.

He said I'm not respect him because when he want to talk I always said I feel sleepy, I don't know what kind of respect is when I did give my time at least 4 hours every night for him while our time different is 3 hours, when he called me at 3 am, I woke up for him while I was sleep only 2 hours and we will talk till 8-9am and when you still ask my day time to talk then I gave to him, but still he said I'm not respect him. When I will sleep and do my project, if almost a whole day I did spend my time for him? And he asked "What is your job there? Only chatting, sleep and your project when I said I want to talk but you always say you are sleepy? You know, I'm work in here but still I spend my time for you, but you not respect me!"

Now, why I have to spend a whole my time for him when he will back to her? Why I have to wasting my time to him?

He thought my project likes his jobs which make invoices that always he did everyday, then each invoice only take 10 minutes. Do you know, my project is about programming and I need very focus on it because I still learn for everything in here, not all syntax I did understand, everything is new for me. Because I start to learn and then make this project.

I did explain my situation and hope that he will understand, but he was said, "So I only disturb you and wasting your time? Don't waste your time for me." I never hope that he will answer likes that, I feel he only thinking of his self when he answer like that. Then I talk about our relationship if we will be serious in future, but he said that he still waiting her. Everything like broken in my mind, who am I, feels no meaning, feels not important. To make my self back to the world, I said to him, "I still thinking the previous one too (F), I think he is still alive". Mean I am not waiting F but only thinking of him, because with F it was very fun and perfect but both hasn't tell love yet. Now F is sick, and I don't know if F still have the life expectancy or not. F is who suffer brain tumor stage 3.

Now it has been 3 days we are not talk, I will stay likes this because I need to finish my study not cheers up him till he back to his girl.

Read more »

I let you go if you want to go

Maybe I'm crazy if I love someone should I won't let him go to leave me, but I let you go if you wanna go. I don't take pride of myself, but I feel you not appreciate my love, you only care of yourself not thinking of my situation and my condition. Do you know how do you feel when I'm sick and need your attention, but you are busy with another girl. I know you are far from me but your attention like send me text and asking about my condition, its so meaning full for me. Although I feel don't want to open my eyes and don't want move everywhere and I said I'm fine but you ask my condition and you hope that you were here it will make me very happy.

Do you know... I feel you are become far from me. You like to say to me that you will leave me someday, if you only said it 1 or twice then I will ask don't go, but you said it many time to me then I become not caring with this words again. Just use your mind, how do you feel if I said that? If you really love me even you need me so much, I think you understand that I need rest time also. You were angry when I said that I'm sleepy and you tell that I don't care with you. I tried to make you understand, but my explanation was useless. If you asking me to stay awake just for sometime then it doesn't matter for me but you ask it for everyday. But when you need take a rest then you asked me not to bother you, hi.....where is your mind? Where is your heart? Is it real love, I said its arrogant.

I don't want share this to you (it was useless) and I don't want to share with friend. I only want to share in here, because I don't need solution, just wait time will answer who are you. This is my suggestion, see... I'm not good girl, I'm stupid, idiot, nonsense, crazy, liar, player and there is no space to called me a good girl. So... if you want to leave me then leave me because you have many reason to leave, but don't be regret if in future you were take wrong decision. If I'm still single maybe will welcome you again, but if there is other boy who take place of you then don't ask me to back to you. You were start it then you have to finish it also.

Just pride of yourself, you are good boy and I'm bad girl.
See... what you did text to me when I was asking about your condition? Your answer seem you are not interest to talk with me because you were busy talk with other girl. Do you know, I'm sick here?
Sorry, if other people reach this blog and read this post, feel how shame and stupid of me. I'm so sorry, I just want to release my anger, no need any suggestion.

Read more »

I want to leave you but it's hard to do

Baby... when I fight with you mostly I remember "The Notebook" movie. We often to fight but easy to forgive each other and then in final fight always we feel our love.

I want to leave you because you take my time a lot, sometime you don't let me to sleep just because you want to talk with me more. It's OK if you talked about important thing. But in fact you only want to talk about love me, love you, like that.

Sometime you also want me more but when I said no, you became angry and then we fight. In fight you always ask me to leave you forever and many time I answered and decided yes. But when you talk more then I can't do it. I become calm and I felt our love.

Still I'm not sure that you are my destiny. Still I remember him. Still I hope to see him again. I don't know, maybe I'm blind. There is a love in front of me but I still hoping a love in far away. A love that maybe already forget me and never thinking me. Baby... maybe I was to much happy and too much love him, and it was so hurt when he leaved me. It's so hurt because he leave me because he is sick (hard sick) and I don't know if he still alive or already die. But I'm sure he is still alive.

Baby.. sometime I got flash that you will leave me someday and I will be gloomy again. Giving fake smile and fake laugh because I'm hiding my pain. Baby... I want to leave you but why it's so hard. When you bothering me to kiss you more, I'm thinking is it right that love connected with lust? Because when talk with you I feel something spreading. When I see you, I feel nothing special. Still I like his face than you, but why it's hard to leave you although I want.

Baby... forgive me because I still want him, still hope that he will recover and comeback to me. Sorry for this mind.

Read more »

In life should don't too much for everything

I learn something today, I was trust too much other people and telling everything in my mind to them (I said them because there is 2 person), when I talked with them they never say if I'm wrong. I shared my problem about relationship, not between bf-gf but with other people but its not friendship also (complicated). They always tell I'm right and you have to keep like this, but then they say everything what I shared to them abaout person who i had problem with.

I know I'm nothing and not important but when I did mistakes then I hope they directly say I'm wrong not agree with my mistake.

I don't like to bother others but it seem I always bother them.

I also learn in this life, don't ask other people to understand you but always try to understand them. You can't live free as you want but you have to respect other people existence. What you thinking is right maybe will be wrong for other.

I know I'm wrong, I was try to be wise and I think I always wise but I never ask if I did wrong and they never say I'm wrong so I think I always right because it. This day its clear I'm wrong, its open my eyes, break my stubborn head but still this heart told she is stodgy/old-fangled.

Do you know why I choose don't too much for the title?

I get this idea because I was too much love a boy then he play me and then leave me. I have too much nice then other people using me. I have too much trust that they wont to betrayal me but they betrayal me. I also heard my friend was too much hate with a boy but then she love him too much. So in this life never run too much if you want life normal.

Do you know, sometime I don't understand why people who hate someone still can be so nice infront of he/she but after that telling everything bad and back-bite behind he/she. For me it is fake attitude and its not right, better say no and don't take this one to be friend but as I see in real, people act nice infront then back-bite.

Allah forgive me if I did mistakes and help me to be nice. As human I know we never can be life as we want. This life is a gift but also trap. Many people don't like have been born in this world, sometime I felt this too but I wont finish my life by suicide because I know this life run by Almighty so you will get problem and punishment if you finish yourself by suicide. I believe it.

Read more »

Once again I dreamed that you are engaged me

Baby.. I told you that I was dream that you purpose me to engaged again. It's different story with my first dream. In my dream you asked me many time, "do you want we are engaged?". And in my dream I was answer,"what?". I don't know how many time you did ask me, but as I remember its many time you asked with same question and my answer always, "what?". But finally in last question, I said yes.

It was only dream, not happen in real. But why I dream to be engaged with you twice? I didn't thinking that you will engaged me and I didn't thinking that you will really marry me. Because what I can to do with you now only enjoy with this relationship.

Baby... Do you know, sometime I am thinking that you are my destiny. I don't know it's only my mind or you thinking also. Because I got some sign, I never fight with other boy like I fight with you. When I fight with you always ending with loving not continue to angry for long time. Other sign that you said you very often dreaming with me. I dreamed engaged with you twice. Want to leave but hard to leave. I can feel your feeling. I can feel when you need me. When we are far away and we are talking with chat, I can feel that you try to kiss me. And other sign.

Ehm... I don't know if my feeling is right or wrong. But baby... Many boys already come to my life, they were test me but they can't touch me. You know... That many boys are handsome and you just ordinary. Baby.. Do you know, I still can't forget one of them. Still hope that he will recover and comeback to me. I feel he is the one that I am looking for. Maybe I'm blind, I love you and you are who always worrying me, you are who always bother by calling me many times when you need me, you are who always crazy to see me everyday, you are who always there and other. See... really I'm blind, I still hope someone that maybe will never comeback.

Baby.. are you my destiny or other test like that other boys?

Read more »

Maybe it like a wound which you pour a juice of lemon on it

I don't know why the way of my life like this?

I easy to love but hard to give my heart.

After him, I asked to Allah there is no other man will come to my life and make me crazy in love then leave me alone.

Better I wait for the right one to give my truely love.

I'm afraid with this one will leave me also.

Now... I fall in love with a good one (he is the after him), each time he told me maybe we can't be together because maybe my family not agree.

Or you said that you want your parent find a girl for you.

That time you hurt my heart, but I keep it and smiling to you then say, Insha Allah you will find a good girl better than me soon.

You hurt me again after that by telling me that you don't want a girl better than me, you want a copy paste like me.

I know you still afraid to give promise for me but why you have to put if your parent will find a girl for you then its mean you will leave me after find her. Its mean, for you I just a spare time for flirting a girl.

Today you asked me to say salam to my parent, I said Insha Allah but they will not trust me, and I said in my heart actually I still not dare to introduce you to my family. Because you also still not sure.

Sometime you talk about other girl and I try to listen everything. I will try to find a solution if you did a mistake with them while my hurt in pain. I want to tell everything, all of my feeling, how much I feel hurt but my mouth always shut when I heard your voice.

How to image this feeling maybe it like a wound which you pour a juice of lemon on it.

And you will so angry when I talk other boys which I say that they are my friend. You said why I have to jealous who am I? Then I feel guilty because told about him with you.

Baby.. actually I don't like to swing my heart, but why I always submit infront of you.

This heart already in damage, its hard to cure it.

I want to take easy with you, but you will angry if you know that I'm taking easy relationship with you.

Its ok if I'm a spare time for him because I love him but please Allah dont let me to love him more. And don't make me down if he leaved me.

Save me from mourning like I never felt it if I got that, I dont want sobbing for something that I didn't get.

Sometime I'm happy with this love but like a mirror which show me a sadness reflection will come to my life in future but I still like to see this mirror.

What this?

Some time sure but sometime not sure.

Heart swinger..but when I tell to him don't swing my heart then he will say, I don't lie, I love you too much.

Oooh.... i'm not thirsty with his love words but like I stuck in his love and missing his love everyday.

Read more »

Really am I a good girl?

There is some good guys told me that I'm a good girl but why they can't have me?

The man number 1 who was made me felt enough for search anymore but he diagnosis brain tumor stage 3 and now I don't know where is him. He choose to run from me then tell everything till no possibility anymore.

The man number 2 who was be my best friend, now maybe I only can say that he is a good friend, because can't share anything like before. He always say you are a good girl and I'm sure he love me, but he don't dare enough to have me as his girl.

The man number 3 who still trying to contact me and still can't leave me, he said many time that he really want me. He always say if am I his dream girl, he want wife like me, like copy-paste, but he always say that he have limitation to make it come true.

Really am I a good girl?

Each time man number 3 told me, I'm a good girl then I become cry. He always ask why am I crying when he said I'm a good girl. I never answered his question about this one, but actually this flash coming, "Really am I a good girl? Why my love story always bitter, why I can't get a man whom I want. What wrong with me? And I see that you really want me but why you don't want to break your limitation?"

I don't know, maybe someday there is really a good one for me. I'm waiting for him, where is him?

If I am really a good girl then I'm sure only a good man will get me. Just let it flow and take it easy, Insha Allah every good one will get more than expectation.

I'm believe there is someone out there really search me, like I search who is him too.

Read more »