Still hope my x will comeback

Sorry for everyone who maybe finding this post, I just want release my pain because I have bf who always like to say would leave me forever, I always let him to go when he said that, then when he left I feel hurt too. I don't thinking that he will leave as easy as that after he did hurt me but I always can accept if he really want to go because already too much fighting between us.

I did told about my bad past but he always mention those and made me feel angry and feel very bad when he in anger, I told those to him because I hope I can forget those and have a mind that those mistake was a not big mistake. And I don't like to feel these feeling which made me weak when he asked to comeback for our relationship.

I want to be strong and cold then I can leave him easy because he already hurt me too much. But always fail after he bag for forgiveness. Maybe I'm too much nice or weak or what? I feel torturing with this situation, but why I always feel like loser because I can't really kick this situation. Sometime I missed my x who diagnosed with brain tumor stage 3, I feel really lose him, I want to care him while he is sick but he choose to disappear and I can't find him now. Last time I heard that he moved to Fiji, it is so far from my place, I can't found him. When with him, I was happy. He is very patient, good looking, has good body(athletic type), tall, nice, independent, confident and has great smile, I was feel so save and very small too. I was feel very lucky when I met him. Maybe he is not the last one but I was feel so perfect and he was felt that too. We were too much happy but I feel really lose him now.

Sometimes I am crying and hope him will comeback. I felt, he is the one that I'm looking for, is enough to find other boy because he is complete me more than your expectation (it was like that). When we were talking feel like very lucky for found him. Yes it was like that, he told me that he was feel that too. I miss the time when I'm with him. It was no fight that made me too much hurt. It was like good moment in my life.

Actually I also thinking, if my x is not for me then let me forget him and have good life. But my bf now can't be like him, because he is not him. Too much fighting, too much hurting and too much crying, I never felt like this with other boys before. He did same mistakes again and again and hurt me more again and again. I want he really leave me when he decided to leave me because when together will fight always. If I compare my x with my bf, feel like my bf is nothing. My x more than my bf, I felt my x is the best one than boys which ever come to my life. I miss my x. I really hope he will comeback and healthy. Please let me to forget him if I don't have a chance to be with him again, if he is not for me. for my M : I miss you........... (T_T)